GRIEF: What It Looks Like & How To Cope
Let me start off by saying, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and grieving looks different on everybody. It’s also very important to know that you don’t have a say or any direction on choosing a person’s way of grief or (tell them) how long that it will take for them to be done grieving or to be over it. News flash! You don’t ever ‘get over it’ - things just change and a new sense of normal is created. Everyone needs to and will grieve in their own way and need to be respected for just that.
There are many different things to grieve over in life, but this post would be guided toward the passing of a loved one, or in cases like ours, grieving over a loved one that is still here with us. Our son lives with a terminal disease and someday will no longer be with us. And there is something about grieving a person that is still alive that is just absolutely gut wrenching on the heart. This also goes toward a child with special needs, and needing to grief over the child that you’ve brought into this world that may not be able to live on their own someday or be able to do the things that you had always wished or hoped for them in their lifetime.
It’s not about “getting over it'‘, and it’s absolutely not about comparing one person’s story to another. It’s about learning to live with your new normal in hopes that it will be as peaceful as it can possibly be for you in all the stages of life that you are in, wherever that may be. I just wanted to create this for you (and myself) to look on when we need it and as a reminder to be gentle with everyone’s souls… we are all walking around, living life, getting through each day the best that we can and we are all hurting somehow.
And remember, in our every days, and especially the darker and gloomier ones, always be gentle with yourself. You are so strong, take one day at a time, and always try your best to put your purpose over the pain.
There are 5 stages of grief.
Even though some may stand out stronger in your mind or last longer than others, it is just a tool to help those who are grieving that their range of emotions at different times throughout their life of grieving is normal and should be accepted and noticed by themselves and others.
The 5 Stages of Grief
Denial
It is really hard for you to believe that this person, or person that you wished they would be is gone. You find it hard to believe that it is true.
Anger
You start to feel angry because this person is not in your life anymore, or again, the person that you hoped and prayed that they would be if they are still living. You may feel angry toward them, a situation that has brought you here, to yourself or others.
Bargaining
You try and figure out if there is anything that you can do or change that could make this person come back.
Depression
You feel really sad because you know that this person is gone and will not be coming back to you.
Acceptance
You understand that this person is gone, and you try to get things back to normal the best that you can for yourself and for your family.
A Few Tips To Help You Cope
Within The Stages Of Grief
Denial
Understand that denial is normal. It serves an important, protective function and is your mind’s way of protecting you from more pain.
Understand that it is okay to not “fully get” that a loved one is gone. Your mind is not yet able to comprehend a life without that person.
Be open to seeing reminders about your loved one. even if the experience is painful, as it will help you move through the denial stage of grief.
Don’t pretend that things are all right when they are not. Be honest with yourself and with others. Cry freely and let others see your tears.
Understand that there is no specific time frame for denial to be dissolved and may actually come back at times.
Seek professional help if you are unable to move past the denial stage of grief.
Anger
Your job is to honor your anger by allowing yourself to be angry. Scream if you need to. Find a solitary place and let it out. You can even scream into a pillow if it helps you feel better.
Don’t bottle your anger up inside. Instead, explore it in a way that is not harmful to you. Your anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.
Share the reasons why you are angry with family and friends. Don’t hide your true feelings for fear of being perceived as ‘negative’, ‘over-emotional’ or ‘crazy’.
Try venting your frustration and anger with aerobic exercise like walking or swimming. You could also join a group sport to be around others and concentrate your mind on something else that you enjoy.
Join a support group. Grief can feel very lonely, even when you are surrounded by family and friends. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counselling centers.
Talk to a trusted spiritual counselor, a family physician, or a certified therapist about how angry you are.
Bargaining
Understand that bargaining is normal and serves an important purpose. It provides temporary escape from one’s pain and provides hope. This gives a person time to adjust to the reality of the situation.
Talk to friends and family about your bargaining hopes, or join a support group. They may be able to provide you with some perspective, as well as hope if your fears are disappointed.
Seek the help and support from a medical counselor if you are struggling.
Depression
Give yourself permission to ‘feel the feelings’ and don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel.
Do not try and suppress your grief. Acknowledge your pain.
Express your feelings to others (i.e. to friends, family, church members, therapist or grief support group)
Express your feelings in creative ways (i.e. journaling, painting, drawing, writing, etc.)
Avoid negative behavior that can harm your personal health.
Set a small exercise goal each day. Get the endorphins flowing and the frustrations out.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers” (Holidays, Anniversaries or Birthdays) and ask friends and family for extra support during these times in need.
See a medical doctor if the pain of your loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, or if you have suicidal thoughts.
Acceptance
Understand that acceptance is learning to live with your new normal where your loved one is no longer here. Understand that you will never be okay with the fact that your loved one has passed. Know that acceptance is a process and not a final stage with an end point.
Be patient with yourself and don’t expect to reach the acceptance stage of grief quickly. It could actually take years and you can enter in and out of the acceptance stage.
Keep a gratitude journal and write in it daily. Make a note of anything that gave you even the briefest moment of relief from your pain (ex. As a memory of your loved one that made you smile). Keeping a gratitude journal will help you look for the positives, no matter how small. As you read back through your journal, you may find yourself growing in your “gratitude attitude.” Remember, acceptance may just simply be having more good days than bad.
Find ways to commemorate the life, love and legacy of the person that you miss.
If a year has passed since the day that your loved one passed, but you still feel “stuck” in your grief, your mourning still feels intense, consider seeing a professional therapist.
Thank you for taking the time to read our blog posts. To read more on Owen’s Story, here is his Facebook Page for his story and updates. To follow our family on Instagram, here we are.
Our shop has a print, written by Owen, that may also help you within your journey.
We are so blessed to have you in our tribe and spreading your purpose with us in the world to help others. Remember to share you story, too. It MATTERS. And so do you.
A reminder from Owen’s Story : Living With Sanfilippo Syndrome